Question by georgi d: How is this story like; good or bad?
An African Slave Story

Chapter one: Swallow the Sun

In the year 1880 was the year me and my people from an African tribe called, ‘The African Crusaders’, were captured by other Africans to be sold as slaves to the Americans the same day. Here is how my fellow brothers captured me and my tribe members.
It was a hot summer’s day, the air dry, the kids playing under sun and our women doing the washing and cleaning to prepare for lunch. Everything and everyone was as it was any other day, ordinary with no huge events or news.
I was travel towards an ocean which was approximately twenty degrees west of my tribe, but before I could go to the ocean I had to state to my wife where I was so that she could be at assist and not worry. So I walked back to my hut under the blazing rays of the sun god. I entered covered with more sweat, replacing the sweat that I already have. I stated to my wife,
‘Sasha, I will take a achievement to the ocean to cool off with some of its cold water.’
‘That is alright,’ replayed Sasha whilst doing the washing and said, ‘Do not be late for lunch, I have made your special meal.’ Sasha place down the plate she was holding and the cloth she was using and waited for me to guess. I could see that there was excitement in Sasha’s eyes, from that I could tell what she meant by special meal.
‘Pap with pork?’ I asked as haltingly as a humming bird’s flaps its wings.
‘That is the one dear’, nodded Sasha was a clock ticking.

I was feeling happy when I got out of my hut, this is because my wife Sasha will be cooking ‘my special meal’ for lunch; usually I have pap without meat at lunch, but instead I have it with the vegetables my wife and I grow in our beautifully healthy garden. I raised my arms and stretched; I could hear my bones clicking like fingers this and that side of my dark, masculine and soft skinned body.
I started to achievement towards the crystal like ocean without hesitation. I could see it front of me, the ocean. There was no one around; this gave me an opportunity to have a swift and sneaky bathe. I lifted my leg into the air like a crane would and dipped my foot into the water very fast, which made me lose my equilibrise on the other foot which was rooted to the connector like a great oak tree and I fell into the water, splash.
‘Ahh, this feels so good’, I thought.
I was about to go under the cool crystal like water when suddenly I heard screams. My ears suddenly popped which made me jump with fear out of the water. As soon as I heard the scream I ran towards my tribe to see what was happening.

I stopped under an oak tree, which was near my tribe, which looked like an umbrella. I revealed my head and saw that my tribe had been infested by our brothers from another tribe this made me feel great rage. I haltingly hid behind the oak tree like a unsaved coward. I realized that I could do nothing; I looked down towards my open hand and I could see it wrapping its self into a rock. My hand wrapped its self so hard that my hand started to shake like a rattle snake and I could see my veins almost coming out of my wrist. My hand had stopped shaking, it unwrapped its self and there was blood coming out of my palm. I looked closely at my palm and saw that there were four scars. Then I looked at my nails. They were covered by blood.
‘How could you betray your people, your kind, my brothers!?’ I thought to myself silently whilst the blood from my palm ran down along my arm like a snake.
From afar I could see kids and babies having to be killed right in front of the women; the women screamed from grief and pain, this is because their kids had been slain like a worthless animal right in front of their eyes.
Men in my tribe were fighting our brothers who betrayed us with their bare hands and feet, like a monkey gone mad, because they killed their kids who meant so much to them; seeing their wives in grief and pain made them even more angrier. My eyes felt like they were burning,
‘Why am I here hiding when I am suppose to be protecting my tribe and the people that live in it?’ I thought to myself angrily.
I stepped out of my hiding place and began to run silently towards my tribe. The burning sun god had made the connector beneath my feet so as hot as the sun its self that I ran as fast as a cheater; when I was hiding under the oak tree-like umbrella, there was a lot of shade and that is why I did not feel the heat beneath my feet.
This story that I have wrote so far is for my english coursework. What do I need to improve, how is the story so far and please comment on the story in detail. Please and thank you

Best answer:

Answer by jen
show don’t tell

basic rule of writing, mind you its coursework so i dont think they bother abotu that

Too much I dont state that you were gonig to do something jsut show the mortal donig it

in coursework they look for good vocabulary so look in a theasaurus and find godo words for things you get marked on that dont make it too complcated otherwise it will be obviosu you dont really know the word
‘ as hot as the sun’ you get marks on that so well done

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If you’re chesty of your lovely garden why keep it to yourself? Show it off by inviting friends and family to a garden party. It can be the perfect setting for a relaxed lunch, a children’s birthday party, a sophisticated dinner or a lively celebration. All you need is a tiny imagination and planning. Follow these tips to ensure an enjoyable time for yourself and your guests: 

1) Sit comfortably

Make sure everyone has somewhere to sit. If your garden furniture has spent the winter in the shed or exposed to the elements, give it a good clean. Purchase or borrow more if you need it. Indoor furniture can be brought out onto a patio and cushions can turn a low surround into a comfortable seat. For a children’s party, spread a blanket on the lawn for a picnic tea.

 2) Be kind to the cook

Don’t spend all your time in the kitchen or roasting over a hot barbecue! Light, easy food is the most appropriate on hot summer days. When deciding on the menu select dishes that can be served cold or those that can be mostly prepared in advance and cooked swiftly just before serving. If you grow your own fruit and vegetablesgive them the starring role.

3) Do a country check

Prevent an happening spoiling the celebration by inspecting your garden from a stranger’s point of view. You know about that wobbly paving slab and the low tree branch but they might catch out an unwary visitor. If you can’t remove or shield a hazard make it more visible and warn people about it. If your celebration will go on after dark make sure that paths and steps are adequately lit.

Be especially careful if there are going to be young kids around and your garden is normally a child-free zone. Check that you haven’t left any gardening tools or other potentially hazardous objects lying about. Lock sheds and other outbuildings. If you have a pond you can’t take even the smallest risk of an marooned toddler wandering too close. If it’s small enough, you might be healthy to cover the pond. If not, perhaps you can place up a temporary fence or barrier of some kind.        

4) Offer plenty of drinks

In hot weather people can become dehydrated more easily than they realise, and drinking alcohol doesn’t help! Offer iced teas and non-alcoholic cocktails along with the beer and wine for a refreshing change.

5) Create some shade

Sunshine is wonderful – in moderation. On a hot day, unless your garden is naturally shady create cool retreats with parasols, awnings or shade sails. Kids can tire swiftly in the heat so follow energetic activities with games that can be played while relaxing in the shade.

6) Beware of bugs

Flies, wasps and other insects love celebration food! Don’t bring food outdoors until people are ready to eat, and clear away any leftovers. If you’re having a buffet use mesh covers to protect food. In the evening, light citronella candles or flares to repel gnats and mosquitoes. 

7) Don’t be a nuisance

While you and your guests are having fun be aware that all the chatter and music might not be so pleasant for your neighbours and try to keep the volume down, especially at night. To refrain complaints tell them when you’re planning a celebration so they know what’s going on. Superior still, invite them round so they can enjoy it, too!

If you love the intent of outdoor pleasing but your garden isn’t as captivating as you’d like – don’t despair! A garden makeover by a professional landscape gardener needn’t cost a fortune. Find one who will give you a free consultation and a no obligation quotation. You might be surprised at how easily your ordinary plot can be transformed into a stunning celebration venue!

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Whether you suffer through harsh, cold winters or enjoy relatively mild ones, we are coming up on the time when you need to get ready to plant your seeds for your vegetable garden.

If you need another compost bin this time of year is great to add them, if only because there’s not much actual gardening work to do. Build one or purchase one, just make sure you can easily add, remove and turn the material.

Clean up your tools. Sharpen blades if they need it. Clean off old dirt and wipe with an oiled cloth to help prevent rusting.

At this time you can also begin planning your next garden. You can figure out what you want to grow and how you’re going to lay that garden out. Planning ahead can help you make the most of your garden. Getting things started at the right time for apiece type of plant will help your garden succeed.

If you want an primeval start, get some planters and sun lamps and begin your seeds indoors. If you get adequate sunlight, placing the boxes in windows can help you get that primeval begin too.

This is a great time for looking back at how your garden did last year and your goals for this year. For example, my garden last year unsuccessful miserably due to a combination of poor soil, a neighboring shade tree that had been shading my garden being cut to pieces and an unusually hot summer.

Over the winter we’ve been preparing swift compost for the soil. This is just throwing fresh kitchen scraps into the blender with some water, then pouring it into the garden. It’s our first step in improving the soil naturally. More will be done as planting time approaches.

Obviously, factors that are out of your control you can’t do anything about. Heat waves can't be avoided and neighbors can be unpredictable (you should have seen that poor tree when they were done “pruning” it!). Some years insects are more problematic than others.

In those cases you need to have plans for how to handle it. Keep an eye on what the sun is doing to your plants during a heat wave and ensure they have enough water. Know what pest control steps you are willing to take.

Planning and preparing to plant your garden before you can actually begin planting gives you a lot of advantages when it’s time to really work your garden. It gets some of the chores out of the way and leaves you prepared for a great begin to your vegetable garden.

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