Passnotes No 2,768: The last frost

Gripping gardening tales for carrot-growers and other committed plant-lovers

Age: Alive since the birth of agriculture.

Appearance: Rows of dead vegetable plants on a cold spring morning.

I’m guessing this is a gardening thing? Correct. It’s the gardening world’s equivalent of the man waving a chequered flag at the begin of the grand prix. After that, the race is on.

The race to bury some seeds and then, slowly, over a period of months, watch them grow? Indeed. Welcome to gardening. It’s gripping.

As soon as the last frost comes? Indeed, even though many jump the gun and it’s very difficult to know whether any given morning is “the last frost”, or just “some frost”.

So what actually is the last frost? Exactly what it sounds like. The last frosty morning of spring, after which it’s innocuous to plant tiny, vulnerable vegetable plants and flowers without dressing them in tiny, plant-shaped fleece jackets.

Do people actually do that? Probably. So what’s the solution? To move until the last frost has passed, of course. That’s usually late April in London, and primeval Might further north. Some gardeners advocate inactivity until the beginning of June just to be on the innocuous side.

What if I don’t want to wait? The oldest and simplest solution is just to set a few fires around the garden. This tends to be unpopular with neighbours, as well as people whose houses accidentally get burned down. The newest and probably ideal is to use a selective inverted sink, which is essentially a massive suction fan that pushes cold air up into the sky. It costs about £2,000.

And if I can’t afford one of those? There is an old gardeners’ saying: “Plant carrots in Jan and you’ll never have to take carrots.” There are other options. You could try laying down solar quilts.

What about real quilts? Another old gardeners’ saying is: “The only thing worse than frozen plants is frozen plants wrapped in frozen, muddy quilts.”

Don’t say: “My pea plant has died!”

Do say: “I’ve grown my own frozen peas.”

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Passnotes No 2,768: The last frost